# 105 Overrated and Out

I am a smiley and happy person. Always have been. I enjoy all the little things - movies, mornings, Dairy Milk and live music - and spend most days strolling around with a spring in my step. Venting spleen is not a regular part of my repertoire, or it wasn't until I set up this blog. And perhaps because I have this outlet for my secret frustration (The editor wants me to write about what?!! But it's crap!!! Please, can I not just say that it is CRAP!!!? I can't? Why not? I'm fired?! You can't do that!!!! - is how the scene would play out in the middle of an open office), I am far less inclined to gripe about the other stuff. Such as the fact that the only men who ever hit on me are of the unwashed and obnoxious variety; that my bus journey home takes 20 minutes on a good day and an hour and 20 minutes on the one Friday night when I'm making dinner for friends; that they've screwed up the X Factor format beyond repair and that James McAvoy is happily married (and in my world of fictional singledom, this troubles me: cue heart-string twinge).

So, to kick my weekend off in sunny style, I'm offloading a few of my beauty bugbears... in the hope that they might just put a conspiratorial smile on your face too.


Eve Lom Cleanser
Yes, yes, I know - it really does work miracles on some people. And I should know. I was one of the converted for two good skin years, when despite the occasional deep, cystic breakout (should have known!) I reached a pleasing plateau of glow and softness. Then, Eve forgive me, I quit (because I have a problem with how much money she charges for what is essentially a pot of dirt-cheap mineral oil)and my skin manifested itself into what could only be described as a plague upon my face. It took months for things to go back to normal and when I attempted to crawl back to this cleanser, tail between legs, it just wouldn't have me. Spot central. Oh, and don't like the smell either. Polite beauty editors call it 'medicinal' or 'herbal'... don't be fooled... it smells distinctly unnatural... a bit like grubby rubber. On another note, when I started using it (about 8 years ago now), the formula was creamier (and felt better on the skin) than it does now, when I've noticed that it's become grainier.

Salt Scrubs (in general)

Perhaps it's just me, but I've never found a salt scrub that actually does what it says on the packet. I've tried Elemis, The Sanctuary, The Body Shop, Bliss etc etc and the sensation is always distinctly uncomfortable and refuses to produce any ostensible difference (besides redness). Why are they so popular? In the most basic terms you are taking hundreds of shard-edged crystals and scratching them up and down your body and while the surrounding oils may do your skin some good, the salt seems like the obvious miscreant in the equation. Now I steer clear of scrubs altogether and load up my cheap-as-chips Superdrug Exfoliating Gloves with moisturising body wash and have a good rubdown.



Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream
I dislike this for all the same reasons that I dislike the Eve Lom cleanser. It's packed with mineral oil and lanolin (a common irritant) and has the sort of "herbal" (READ: petrol-chemical) smell that turns my stomach. It chapped my lips something chronic, scared the bejesus out of my husband (who said it tasted revolting; kisses off menu for about a month thereafter), and the more I used it, the worse things got. And just to clarify, once and for all, petrolatum cannot hydrate skin. It has no water in it, and as an oil is not refined enough to penetrate even the most superficial layers of skin. It sits atop of the surface, providing a barrier to foreign bodies/drying air currents etc etc certainly, but not doing anything more miraculous than that... which leads me onto...

Vaseline

A ha. Another one. So it looks cool slicked over eyelids and high on cheekbones (on the floodlit runway; in real life it just looks greasy), but it does nothing whatsoever to moisturise lips or any other part of the body. It can make a temporary difference to cracked heels and hands, when worn with conditioning gloves for example, but the results will be short-lived. It does not heal or repair or protect. It is the most basic and bog standard of products, with no beautifying power at its disposal. What-so-ever.


Eyeko Sparkly Eye Pencil

The little kid in me, who used to collect comic books, wear pink capes and sketch Manga-style heroines in Physics lessons, can still be drawn to the quirky beauty brands, but my run in with Eyeko's Sparkly Eye Pencil was far from comical. I foolishly opened it up and ran it along my lashline without testing it on my skin first. Christ, the pain. It's glass-hard, scratchy and uneven (thanks to all the real glitter particles in it...). If you've ever glitter & glued as a child and accidentally rubbed your eyes, you'll know how I felt. This one's a health hazard.


Revlon Beyond Natural Skin Matching Foundation

'It goes on white and adjusts to match your exact skin tone.' Ha! My palest friend looked as though she had been tangoed and I took on a very scary tan shoe polish, with a lovely greasy tide mark around my chin for good measure. Fetching. Ladies, be very wary of anything that says it will change colour to match your complexion... which leads us to...

...Estee Lauder Daywear Plus Sheer Tint Release Formula
The exact same thing. I used it after a shower at the gym. It felt and smelt rather nice, blended easily (feeling much more like a day cream than foundation), and then I hopped on the tube and into town. Woe be-tide mark. The same greasy film of fake tan-ness over skin and when I blew my nose I left a Rorschach Test behind on the sheet. Ick.


Bliss Steep Clean Cleanser
I have a bit of a problem with Bliss in general really. The professional theory sounds enticingly strong (we're famed for our facials, get our skincare here &, voila, have a pro-style treatment at home), but I've never felt it delivers. Regardless of what beauty editors recommend on their pages, what they actually use is what really speaks volumes (and to discover that you have to trawl their cabinets just like every other nosey dinner guest), and I've never found a single one of my beauty ed friends who uses Bliss products themselves. Body, sure! But for face? The formulas all seem a bit too strong, harsh, drastic... take this cleanser for example. The website says: Steep Clean Cleansing Milk is the ultimate cleansing weapon for t-zones that are bogged down by clogging or worse, clad with acne. Formulated with smoothing salicylic acid and enzymes to digest dead cells and diminish inflammation. It's 'the bomb' on breakouts. My beauty ed hackles go up here, because I know that if you're using an enzymatic and salicylic acid formula twice a day, every day, it's more than likely that you'll get to a point where skin will sensitize, or be over-stripped, and then it will begin to play up again. Which is what happened to me. It might work for those with excessively greasy T-zones, but then again, I'm a staunch believer in treating oily skin conditions with oil-based products. 'The bomb' should've been warning enough really...


Embryolisse Cream
Every bloody year 'the models' rave on about this French pharmacy find, which apparently works all number of miracles 'eet's so sooooothing! eet's so caaaaaaalming, eet's soooooo gooooood!'. It's mineral oil is what it is. So, it's not really any better than E45 or any of the other bog standard emollient white creams you get from the chemist... and it absolutely won't work any miracles. Models look that way already. Sorry, but someone had to let you in on the secret.


Kate Somerville Gentle Daily Wash
I had heard and read so many wonderful things about this LA facialist to the stars that when the lovely Space NK PR sent half the line over for me to test, I was convinced I'd find my new favourite thing. What is it they say about great expectations? It left my skin with that horrible if-I-smile-I'm-sure-to-split feeling and a tingle that lasted over an hour. Thank the lord I didn't start with the Purify Cleanser. Ouch.

#97 Cheap Stakes

No recession talk. Promise. But it just so happens that I've stumbled across some extraordinary econo-buys of late, and if it's a toss between penny pinching and sharing the wealth, I'm all for the latter. So, here my dears:

1) Johnson and Johnson 3 in 1 Make-up Remover
A big swig, soaked on a cotton pad, pressed over the eye, then swept to the side, removes heavy eye make-up far better than some far steeper alternatives. Yep, it's oily, but for heavy duty make-up that's always good thing (it means less mechanical force is needed!). Despite the fact that I would only use it on my eyes and not as an all-over cleanser, it does have several plus points: it doesn't sting, it isn't heavy, it isn't fragranced. It's my first step every night now, before I go over my skin with Spiezia or Sarah Chapman Cleanser for a proper clean. Weirdly, I swear it's made my eyelashes grow a bit too.

2) Dr Organic Aloe Vera Skin Lotion (available at Holland & Barrett). Now, this is no better than several other cheap, cheerful & almost all-natural formulas (I like J.R.Watkins more than Jergens, but both do the job), but it has one advantage over the competition. It really does soothe sore skin - as I found when I had a bad reaction to a spot of epilation. A layer of this took away the sting almost immediately and within a couple of hours, skin looked far calmer. It also feels nice after a day in the sun. A little also goes a long way.

In the mid-range, I really like Jemma Kidd's Semi-Permanent Lash Tint because it doesn't budge and goes on deeply, inkily black - like the gravy-thick ink that spurts out of printer cartridges. It does take some getting used to, and if caught on lids will need to be removed straight away with an oil-based eye make-up remover, BUT swept over the very ends of lashes, it gives a lovely natural feathery finish, which fakes length far better than any of the lengthening formula mascaras I've tried. Plus, on sweat-prone summer days, it's good to know your eyes ain't going nowhere.


Then there are the two premium products I've tried this week, which are getting two thumbs down. The first is Clinique Self Sun Face Bronzing Gel Tint. In the time it took me to squeeze a small blob out of the tube and decide where to apply it, it stained my finger. I rinsed the product off, then used soap & water, then scrubbed with a brush. The stain didn't budge. Now, this could just have been a particularly pigment-rich bit of cream caught in the first squeeze, but, well, who wants to risk a brown splodge on their face for the remainder of the day? Not me.

Next, Kate Somerville's Exfoli-Kate. Anyone who reads up on potential purchases on makeupalley.com (you should, by the way, it's a goldmine of objective advice) will already be familiar with the Jekyll/Hyde reactions to this range. Some claim it's their HG (that's 'holy grail' - LOL), whereas others feel it's overpriced, overrated, and massively under-performing. Well, having already tried some of the best exfoliants on the market (courtesy of Agera and Dermalogica and Elemis), this one had a lot to live up to. It did not. Firstly, it was immensely hard to spread over the skin. Secondly, the dispenser, though theoretically impressive, really only dispensed the smallest amount, which covered barely half a cheek, so I kept pumping away, unsure of how much I needed/if I was overdoing it/whether or not I just wasn't spreading it properly/if there was a chance I might end up in the Accident & Emergency with second-degree burns; thirdly, after using it, my skin tingled (and not in a good way)for about an hour, looked red (which is to be expected, if one heeds the pack) and the next day my chin was still a bit flaky. Hmmmm. If at first you don't succeed... it goes back on the shelf, and we'll see if I have better luck next time.