#8 The Zit Zapper...

I’ve been getting spots. Very odd and very British spots. They queue, waiting quietly and patiently beneath the surface, for the preceding pimple to die away, before stepping up and taking the prime spot for themselves – the centre of the forehead. They do not crowd the space, they do not jostle for attention – no, they wait their turn, and one by one, they appear, back to back, in single file, like some sort of nightmarish cloning experiment. They are not angry, weeping, pustular spots – thank god – they are small, raised, rather red spots. I am not a dermatologist, so I have absolutely no idea whether or not they have a specific name, whether they’re a mild form of acne, or just common garden variety growths that will die down within their own time. For the most part, I leave my face alone. I completely ignore it during the day – make-up goes on in the morning and it is cleansed off at night. There is no eye-rubbing, chin scratching or mouth-wiping. Things stay put, skin stays calm and all is good with the world. But then, about a month ago, these little turrets of torment popped up on the bloody forehead and because I don’t have a fringe, I have nowhere to hide them. They are there and my mind is on them.

So when I received the gadget du jour, Zeno Acne Clearing Device, which costs a scientific-research-justifying £129, I thought, ‘Haha you bastards. Die! Die!’ Except, it’s not that simple. First you have to identify the spot that you have.

You have to press your nose into the mirror and pick the label that fits:
Are you?
No Acne – in which case, why the bloody hell have you bought Zeno in the first place?
Subclinical Acne – visible only on close examination. So nope, not me.
Comedonal Acne – Blackheads and Whiteheads with inflammation. Nope, no heads to speak of. Again, not me.
Mild Acne – Several inflamed red pimples. Well, I only have one. Is this me? Anyone?
Moderate Acne – Many inflamed pimples and pustules. Oh god, definitely not me.
Severe Nodular Acne – Inflamed pimples and pustules and deep nodular lesions (solid mass like a knot, felt under the skin). Blimey, I might have a very small, very lonely deep nodular lesion.

You’re only able to use Zeno on the Mild and Moderate Acne, so if you’re worse off, you’ve spent £129 that you probably can’t refund for hygiene reasons, and if like me, you need ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Spots’ rather more urgently than you need an expensive electrical device, you’ll be too scared to zap away in fear that a single impulse will send them all multiplying – like all good modern Sci-Fi movies, where ‘nuking them’, only ever results in increased strength, speedier growth and greater breeding capacity.

But, to hell with it, I DID try the device. I’ve used it six times and counting, on two different spots. I used it ‘at the first signs of a new pimple’ as instructed, did everything I was supposed to do and I really can’t say whether or not it made a blind bit of difference. Said spots still appeared. They still took several days to clear, and despite being clear-headed at present, I fear I haven’t seen the last of the dastardly dots. I'm sure Zeno is amazing if you know what you're doing and I'm sure it's working for millions of people the world over. I'm sure it's all my fault, because I must have incorrectly identified said species of spot. AND therein lies the problem.