Misadventure #1

Working for a magazine is not glamorous. I’ve just vacated a building – HQ of one of the world’s largest publishing companies – that had dead mice in drawers and after-hours rodents rummaging through Ryvita boxes, Gucci gowns and Hermes handbags alike. Keeping my space clear and clean was an impossibility – just minutes after my daily desk-disinfection ritual (Dettol spray, antiseptic wipes, kitchen towels and tea tree oil), the post would arrive. Padded envelopes would split and yield lung-choking dust, bottles crushed in transit would leak and spray their contents and the paper mountain would grow yet again. But everyone loves Mr Postman and I’m no exception. On my left hand side, I’d keep a row of products that didn’t piss me off. That smelt good, felt good, looked good and were, well, good. But on my right hand side, in the bigger pile that would be dumped into the deepest drawer, were the disappointments. The sticky residues, lumpy textures, garish scents and vomit-inducing vanity projects…

In the left corner we have …
Bourjois Effet 3D Les Nudes Lipgloss. Because Bourjois know that a nude ought to have a hint of pink – or your kisser will look cadaverous.

Brown Earth Shea & Cocoa Butter Body Cream. We’re used to getting a heady, artificial sweetness from cocoa butter – a saccharine, treacly, buttery, choco-waft. This is nothing like it. It smells like Play-do. Really. But it cocoons the skin, keeps it springy and softens back-of-arm bumps like nothing else I’ve ever tried.

Benefit Creaseless Cream Shadow Liner in My Date’s My Brother. From the new, Love Your Look range, this delicate shimmering pink feels like it would melt off eyes within seconds. Then it sets and doesn’t budge all day. I just love it when things surprise me.


And in the right corner…
Danielle Steele Eau de Toilette. The first novelist to launch her own fragrance. Everything you need to know is encapsulated in the previous sentence.

Paris Hilton ‘Heiress’ Eau de Toilette. If I liked it, I would be the first to admit it. Part of me even wanted to like it – to go against the crowd and be the black sheep of scent sniffers. I happen to like a lot of unfashionable fragrances–some from The Body Shop, a cheap £5 bottle I bought from Boots when I was 13, rose bases and lavender notes all. I even love the fake-fresh smell of cheap deodorant and sometimes spray a bit extra in place of perfume. So in a bid to bypass the snobbery surrounding scent, I wanted to rave about this. But one spritz and I was decided. Awful, awful, awful. And like all really bad scents, it takes an age to dissipate when sprayed in the office. Eugh.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF…
I’ve found my perfect mascara match. A gorgeous, silky, rose-scented stick that leaves lashes tinted with a delicate gloss and luminous colour – I love it. The problem is, it’s made by Chantecaille and costs £29. TWENTY-NINE-POUNDS. The same amount as a Topshop summer dress, a pretty tasty dinner or a darn good face cream. I am neither rich nor mad, so once this dalliance has dried up, I have no choice but to end it and move onto a more stable, sustainable relationship.

WINK WINK…
Cult brand Körner will be launching a lip treatment later this year. The formula’s still being tweaked, but I’m betting this will be one lip-smacking and non-tacky tub of goodness.