#9 No rest for the wicked...

Last night, things went awry in the Malcontent household. Excessive alcohol consumption led to loss of keys, diminished dexterity and a Kowalski-esque holler that woke up half the bloody (and, at that time of night, bloodthirsty) neighbours. Yes, Mr Malcontent locked himself out. Idiot. Being wrenched from golden slumbers at the heart-stalling time of 3.30am did nothing for my mood, my mind or my complexion. This morning, having managed just four hours of semi-decent sleep before my embarrassingly polite alarm clock ‘Tweet Tweeted’ at 8am, I looked a right ol’ mess. Puffy eyes, dark circles, pores, well, poreifying. Now, being a beauty editor, I should technically be armed to the hilt with bottles of beauty miracles that would magic away all unflattering signs of sleeplessness. In truth? Come on, who are we kidding? There isn’t a single product on the market that will turn a corned beef complexion into plump, well-rested, Pampers-baby-bottom type skin overnight, and certainly not within 10 minutes. It just isn’t possible. But, as I had a morning meeting, something had to be done. Something drastic:

1. SK-II Facial Treatment Mask. Bloody hell these things are expensive, but when you’ve had a late night and your eyes are all ringed and bulgy, these sopping, pre-soaked, moisture-boosting masks are good. I want to stress that they don’t work wonders – I didn’t develop an LA glow or radical radiance or skin as soft as Mischa Barton’s earlobes, or any other such nonsense – but they did leave my skin feeling softer, more hydrated and looking far less irritable.

2. Vaishaly Day Moisturiser, Normal/Combination. Simple, easy, sinks in without residual oiliness. With calming essential oils and SPF. One of the best face creams I’ve tried.

3. Lots of Liz Earle Superbalm. On lips, dry patches, under eyebrows.

4. Dermalogica Total Eye Care. Reliable in a Homebase-Hubby, 'takes care of everything' sort of way. Leaves no residue and also has SPF.

5. Some Guerlain Bronzer, Bourjois Eyeliner, Shu Uemura Lash Repair, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Almost Blush and a swipe of old faithful, Giorgio Armani Sheer Cream Blush, No 5.

After all that, you’d expect something great, something head-turning, wink-inducing – a makeover on par with Ally Sheedy's legendary Breakfast Club metamorphosis. The truth is, I didn’t look amazing, or fresher-than-fresh, or particularly radiant. I looked fine and, crucially, as though I'd had a decent night's sleep. A darn sight better than most of the working week’s survivors – especially the woman who almost lost an eye tweezing between Southwark and Bond Street! - and for a Friday morning, that was more than enough for me.