# 120 Sugar Puffs

There are some days when nothing can be done.

Honestly, I've had enough of them to know this to be true. You just wake up, a bit puffy of jaw, shadowy of eye, blotchy of skin, blemished of chin - and yes, you know you'll look better post-slap - but that, however hard you try, you still won't look great. It's what I call a 'Can't Fake It' day, when make-up is a band aid rather than blaze of glory... when skin's just not playing ball and you'd rather retreat to loafing-land than go out and meet all those people who expect you to look, well, like you know what you're talking about.

Ordinarily I hit the panic button and the old faithfuls come out of the cupboard: Origins Modern Friction; Dermalogica Multi-Vitamin Power Recovery Mask OR Guinot Masque Essential Nutrition Confort; Sisley Eye Contour Mask; Lancome Hydra Zen Tinted Moisturiser (a newish find - very nice); a dusting of BareMinerals powder; Dior Skinflash; Stila Eyeshadow in Kitten and Guerlain Terractotta Bronzer... you know the routine.

But last week I had a bad day. So bad in fact that when I looked at myself in the mirror that morning I actually gasped. Out loud. I'd seemingly gained 6 pounds in my sleep and forgotten to take off my mascara the night before (I hadn't been wearing any) - everything was just off - out of focus, as though my features had decided to go into hibernation and been replaced with fading scribbles - like those chalked silhouettes of removed corpses you always see on CSI. Mortification! Then I remembered the salt-and-sugar fest I'd enjoyed the very late night before (look, I'm pregnant okay), and so, because it was a Saturday, I decided to go back to bed in a bid to wake up thinner, brighter and less likely to jump off the balcony. Surely, I just needed more sleep?

And whadya know? It actually worked. Which just goes to show that sometimes the best thing is to sleep on it.

And if that fails, well, time to bring on the cosmetic cavalry.

#63 Backstage Whispers...

I'm not a 'fashionista' - lord, I hate that word - nor am I a gossip. But I have been backstage at London Fashion Week this week, jotting down what the top make-up artists have had sprawled across their work spaces and peeking in model's handbags for some insight into their beauty routines. It's been a long time since I was naive enough to assume that the products mentioned by the 'beautiful people' would be the holy grail of great skin - after all, this beauty biz is nothing if not entirely subjective. I know women who rave about Eve Lom and have not strayed from her pricey cleansing pot for years - and others for whom it is devil's juice - packed as it is with mineral oil, which can play havoc with blemish-prone skin.

Anyway, back to my i-Spying, where after five seconds witnessing the work of the backstage pros, one thing struck me more acutely than anything else - just how YOUNG the models were. You know their faces, you've seen their smiles, pouts and heavy-lidded winks - but until you've stood a centimetre away from Agyness or Bette Franke - all angular cheeks, velvet skin and licorice-lace legs - you really have no understanding of just how precious and cute these kiddies actually are. They are not powdered and painted to look so - they just ARE. Their skin, then, is hardly a product of expert handling - more a genetic wish granted and yes, wasted on the young. They're models for a reason - they walk in looking this good and were born to be beautiful. You might be able to pick up their favourite lipgloss or share their cleansing ritual, but it won't get you any closer to their look. Fact is, for the most part, the artists I shadowed did little more than blend a bit of concealer over circles (where there were circles), dabbed Vaseline over lids and brows, tapped cream blusher onto cheeks and etched in arches (most models have their brows dyed lighter which gives them a chameleon-like quality - want dark? Pencil 'em in. Want light? Et voila). Hardly taxing.

In the kits of three top artists, I spied Estee Lauder Maximum Coverage Lightweight Make-Up, MAC Face & Body Paint, MAC Cream Colour Base in Fabulush (patted onto lips and cheeks), Vaseline, Johnson's Baby Wipes, YSL Touche Eclat and Guerlain Issima Precious Light.

There wasn't a single girl who needed much work and most were in and out of the chair in ten minutes. It seems that if you are blessed with a canvas this clear, it's a case of child's play, all the way to the runway.

#48 GO-LD Figure

Fans of Benefit may have noticed a disconcerting new trend. The brand that used to launch the sporadic, niche innovation seems to have switched into top gear and is now peddling products faster than you can say the words 'Press Release'. Now, I'm hardly against new bootie - I mean, news is how I make my money - but it's always startling when a brand's inventory goes from selective, to exhaustive, in a matter of months.

Having launched the Love Your Look range - which is, in itself, a complete make-up capsule, the last six months have also seen the birth of That Gal - a primer; D'Finer, D'Liner - for lips; California Kissin' - teeth-whitening lipgloss; Cupid's Bow - a lip-shaping set; Gee That Was Quick - a speedy make-up remover and You Clean Up Nice - a face wash. That's a hell of a lot of loot.

Anyway, lest I get off the point, the latest newbie is 24K - a 'sexy gold lipgloss' and 'sexy gold lipstick'. Now, I love gold. There has not been a summer in living memory which has not involved, at some point, a golden, shimmering body oil - (Nuxe, Sisley, Nars) - but I've never ventured to wear the shade on my lips. The problem is often that gold 'shimmer' actually translates as a strong statement, that wears off to a patchy, glitter-stuck-on-dry-looking-lips result. This has happened in the past and I feared a foray into 24K would be no different. I was sort of right. The 24K lipstick feels good - it glides on and is pleasantly emollient BUT the colour itself is rather outweighed by the glitter content. So, in soft, flattering, evening lamp light, it looks pretty and shimmery, but in the cold light of day, the actual glitter particles are easily discernible whereas the sheer golden hue itself is not. The lipgloss fared slightly better because its viscosity makes lips look seductively 'wet shiny', rather than 'dry spangly', but as with all glosses, it lasts about as long as it takes to drink a cup of tea and then you're left with bits of glitter stuck to gloss-less lips. It's not a Benefit slur as such - it's a common problem with glitter-infused products.

In the same gilted vein, Guerlain (LVMH owns both Guerlain & Benefit, if anyone's interested....) has gone all out with a flurry of precious products, which include L'OR - 'a radiance concentrate with pure gold' - which acts as a make-up base and Forever Gold - a super spangly powder for face and body. L'OR will appeal to anyone living on credit and gagging for the new Chanel 2.55. In truth, it's a bit of a gimmick - the gold particles float enticingly in the clear liquid, but dissolve on contact with skin in much the same way as anything else - no trace is left behind - precious maybe, but lacking in mettle. The serum is also very heavily fragranced, which will put a lot of people off and having used it before a night out a couple of times, I'm not convinced by it's radiance-enhancing properties. I think the promise is bigger than the product. On the other hand - and at the opposite end of the shimmer scale - Forever Gold is a powder-filled atomiser, that you 'puff' onto your skin where it leaves a very sparkly veil. Mine half exploded in the box, so when I opened it for the first time it left layers of scented fairy dust over my new black pinafore, which have proven a bugger to get out. Now, it's certainly true that if you want to gleam and glitter your way into a room, you could do a lot worse than this. And I'm sure it'll go down a storm at Xmas, when everyone lets loose. BUT, I have to say, for me, if it's visible to the naked eye, leaves a Tinkerbell-esque trace in the air and doesn't resemble anything that Mother Nature intended, it's a trend that I'm likely to sidestep. Crazy colour is one thing, but glitter is quite another and, for now, I'm washing my hands, face, lips and eyes of it. Over and over and over again.

#36 Sister Act

I've just had the most self-indulgent weekend on record. I snoozed, watched movies, revisited my favourite novel, organised my magazines and managed to spend almost an entire 48 hours in just three rooms. Ordinarily, I'd have been climbing the walls, but there was something about the sodden streets and humid air that had me yearning for some quiet time – I think I uttered no more than twenty words in total as the hubby was work-tied all weekend. Last night's guilty pleasure was a re-run of Mean Girls – which, despite the tenth viewing, still has me howling with laughter in parts. It also got me thinking about The Plastics – the perfectly polished clique of girls at the movie's centre. Ironed hair, glossed pouts, airbrushed skin and hollow heads. It's hard to argue that the triumvirate's queen bee doesn't look good – even if she's full of matter so superficial (and artificial) that she'd give a bag of turkey twizzlers a run for their money. Her brand of beauty – the teen queen look – can be spotted every Saturday on most high streets around the country. I've always been intrigued by this look – knowing just how much intensive work goes into it. Clump-free lashes, flawless foundation (utterly unnecessary given their naturally peachy skin), pencilled arches and watermelon mouths… growing up, it was my sister, not me, who fitted into this category. She would set her alarm clock an hour before mine every morning, wash and blowdry her hair, spend thirty minutes perfecting her kohl-rimmed eyes and powdered face and skip breakfast as she was too busy tidying her brows. The routine gave her confidence – she was always a hit with the boys – whereas I found it irksome. I just wanted to roll out of bed, dab on some lip balm, pull my hair into a ponytail and go to school. The difference divided us for years. I could not see past her maquillage mask. She could not understand my naked face. At some point our paths crossed. I started to care about my skin. I read up on balms, creams, serums, gels and oils. I bought beauty magazines and earmarked the pages with good advice. Then, along with my first crush, came make-up – and, embarrassed as I am to admit it – it was my younger sister who guided my hand. She showed me how to pull an exaggerated smile and brush a pop of colour onto the part of the cheek that appears the most raised. She traced an expert line across my lids with Guerlain Terracotta Loose Powder Kohl Eyeliner – a seriously extravagant purchase for a 15 year old – but one that she uses to this day. She dabbed Shiseido Lipgloss in Champagne onto my lips and curled my lashes, before defining them with YSL mascara – I think it was Everlong. She introduced me to Juicy Tubes, Face Powder (jn a square box, decorated with the face of a geisha) and Bourjois blusher. As I evolved (or regressed – it is, I suppose, a judgement call) so too did our relationship. Funnily enough, the tables have now turned. She still knows her stuff, but with hundreds of new products launching every year, she loses track. I'm paid to be on the ball – and enjoy pointing her in the right direction and filling her bag with products whenever she pops over for a cuppa. She still pokes fun at me – the clueless, tomboyish, trainer-wearing big sister who has somehow managed to metamorphose into a 'real' girl… a real girl, who, occasionally, develops a penchant for the plastic.

#9 No rest for the wicked...

Last night, things went awry in the Malcontent household. Excessive alcohol consumption led to loss of keys, diminished dexterity and a Kowalski-esque holler that woke up half the bloody (and, at that time of night, bloodthirsty) neighbours. Yes, Mr Malcontent locked himself out. Idiot. Being wrenched from golden slumbers at the heart-stalling time of 3.30am did nothing for my mood, my mind or my complexion. This morning, having managed just four hours of semi-decent sleep before my embarrassingly polite alarm clock ‘Tweet Tweeted’ at 8am, I looked a right ol’ mess. Puffy eyes, dark circles, pores, well, poreifying. Now, being a beauty editor, I should technically be armed to the hilt with bottles of beauty miracles that would magic away all unflattering signs of sleeplessness. In truth? Come on, who are we kidding? There isn’t a single product on the market that will turn a corned beef complexion into plump, well-rested, Pampers-baby-bottom type skin overnight, and certainly not within 10 minutes. It just isn’t possible. But, as I had a morning meeting, something had to be done. Something drastic:

1. SK-II Facial Treatment Mask. Bloody hell these things are expensive, but when you’ve had a late night and your eyes are all ringed and bulgy, these sopping, pre-soaked, moisture-boosting masks are good. I want to stress that they don’t work wonders – I didn’t develop an LA glow or radical radiance or skin as soft as Mischa Barton’s earlobes, or any other such nonsense – but they did leave my skin feeling softer, more hydrated and looking far less irritable.

2. Vaishaly Day Moisturiser, Normal/Combination. Simple, easy, sinks in without residual oiliness. With calming essential oils and SPF. One of the best face creams I’ve tried.

3. Lots of Liz Earle Superbalm. On lips, dry patches, under eyebrows.

4. Dermalogica Total Eye Care. Reliable in a Homebase-Hubby, 'takes care of everything' sort of way. Leaves no residue and also has SPF.

5. Some Guerlain Bronzer, Bourjois Eyeliner, Shu Uemura Lash Repair, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Almost Blush and a swipe of old faithful, Giorgio Armani Sheer Cream Blush, No 5.

After all that, you’d expect something great, something head-turning, wink-inducing – a makeover on par with Ally Sheedy's legendary Breakfast Club metamorphosis. The truth is, I didn’t look amazing, or fresher-than-fresh, or particularly radiant. I looked fine and, crucially, as though I'd had a decent night's sleep. A darn sight better than most of the working week’s survivors – especially the woman who almost lost an eye tweezing between Southwark and Bond Street! - and for a Friday morning, that was more than enough for me.

#5 The Top Tan...

My problem with self-tanning is not the colour produced, but the actual sensation of the product on the face. Most sit atop the skin, feeling oily and unnatural - or they are so heavily scented that it's impossible to forget you're wearing them even for a second. Two new launches are good, but still come with problems. Biotherm Self-Tanning Face Gel for fair skin, doesn't feel too bad. The packet says 'ultra-natural looking radiant tan freshness' - word vomit alert - and feels nice and cool on contact, but once dry, it feels sticky. In fact, I can always tell when Mr Malcontent has been at it, because it feels as though his face has been tacky backed. It also has an overwhelming smell - chemical-citrus. The colour it produces is good though. Then there's Lancome's Flash Bronzer Custom Colour Tinted Self-Tanning Lotion. Good because the colour it initially deposits onto the skin is the same colour that develops beneath it. But despite using a fair amount - swiped across the nose, tops of cheeks, below hairline - it gave me nothing more than a faint whisper of a tan. And after cleansing and exfoliating the next day I was back to shade one. It would, however, certainly be a good investment for lily skins afraid of tango tints. It smells rather nice too - delicate, powdery, soft. Neither is the holy veil I was searching for, which is why make-up is the only alternative. Which is no bad thing considering the wealth of brilliant bronzers out there.

I've never been a Guerlain Terracotta fan - sacrilege I know! I was always too scared of the deep, earthy bronze of their powders and feared I'd look like an unfortunate extra from One Million Years B.C. But since the launch of the Light Sheer Bronzing Powders, I've never looked back. The Harmonie Blondes 01 formula, combines gold and pink powders, without any unflattering glitter or obvious shimmer - just fine, sophisticated, light-as-air colour.

Another great option - especially for olive or tanned skins - is Origins Sunny Disposition. It isn't new, but I trialled it for the first time at the weekend and was seriously impressed. A tiny amount of the deep brown fluid blended over brow and cheek bones and the bridge of the nose creates the sort of healthy burnish that you'd normally get from a festival weekend. Like it.