#88 Truly Unforgivable

I do not wish to be a chastising naysayer, nor do I intend on taking up the flag of the modern feminist (who, by the way, is a seriously dying breed) - but, something surely must be said about the range of fragrance-bath-and-body-garbage that now makes up a serious part of Sean John's avaricious arsenal. Why do today’s ‘stars’ feel the need to pump their questionable wares into an already-saturated market? Sadly, because they sell. And in the case of Sean John’s UNFORGIVABLE for men and women, both scents hit the tops spots across key markets within weeks of launching.

It is not the quality I am descrying (mass market, but of course Mr John had 100% control and tireless input into the scent), nor the scent itself – (a creamy floral with a hint of pina colada. Hey, who’s to say what should rock your boat?) – it is the grasping, ingratiating hands that flock towards the promise within the champagne-coloured (naturally) bottle. The women who fall for the hackneyed ideologies –

‘When she moves, I stop. When she speaks I am lost. She is desire. She is illusion. Elusive in her way. A beauty catching you off guard. Enticing and unnerving. She is control and submission. Intellect and innocence. Sensuality and strength. Capable of taking what you dream and making it real. Of making what's real the ultimate dream. She is the tease. The fulfilment. Only she knows the path between sensuality and strength. Able to entice and unbalance. She is everything that makes dreams real. Everything that pushes limits. Everything that makes this life sexy. She is UNFORGIVABLE.’

Perhaps it seems an obvious question, but what about the above description of a woman makes her unforgivable? Unforgettable perhaps, but to be deemed dangerous and unsettling – solely because one is wiser, bolder and more powerful than a man – implies an uncomfortable double-standard. Of course, double standards are rife here anyway – ‘she is control and submission’? Of course she is. The eternal struggle between the Virgin Mary and the Whore – the fuel firing the fantasy of many a straight man the world over... sexy secretary; naughty nurse; slutty school teacher.

For those who like a bit of role play and have long lived & loved the aspirational lifestyle sold via E!, OK and US Weekly, you’ll be pleased to know that Sean John has expanded the line to include an unguent bubble bath, which comes in a faux-bubbly bottle. Bubbles & bubbly – a nice, neat ploy – but in reality, the plastic bottle looks embarrassingly low-rent. But, there’s no doubting that the new addition will have some popping their corks, while others will roll their eyes in quiet judgement. As for me, the new launch coupled with the uneasy sentiment of the jarring, breathy adverts strikes an unsavoury note that is difficult to forget and, quite impossible to forgive.

#87 Show-Faced

Diet features. Pah. New Year's Resolutions. Hmph. Gym memberships, swanky new kit, visions of a newer, svelter, less-jiggly-thighed you. Forget it. As this is approaching my 30th new year on earth, I have decided to steer well clear of big promises to myself, preferring instead to usher in a far more realistic and exciting era: The Age of the Experimental Me. Da-Da-DAH!

Yep. I've decided, not wholly unlike April Long in this month's US ELLE, to try out an entirely new look every week (she opted for a new hairstyle everyday for 21 days - kudos!) in an effort to shake myself out of my comfort zone AKA my recent descent into the sartorial wilderness. The root cause of my time-out? One word: Winter. This is my scariest season. Every year I imagine buying up cashmere, elegant scarves, new boots, a lovely coat, woolen Franco-centric dresses and dressing like a combination of a Russian Doll and Minnie Mouse. Yet... every year I find something else to spend my money on - this year a broken-into car and broken-down washing machine (groan) - and the fairytale image gets further and further away as I desperately recycle my summer dresses with long-sleeved jersey Ts underneath, spend weeks in my black & grey leggings (they're SO comfy)and long woolen tunics, and pull on my favourite baggy jeans with last season's Uniqlo knits and big scarves. Then, horror of horrors, my favourite Comptoir des Cotonniers skirt bust a zip & my APC coat lost a statement button. Things fall apart...

But, now that the year ends in a '9' (so, scarily, close to '10') rather than an '8' (I still have time to change), I'm determined to hurl myself out of the comfort zone. Not in an unrealistic attempt to get a new body, new man, new life - no cliche copy here - but rather to be able to look at my reflection in the mirror and think, 'Good for you. You look like you care about yourself. Change feels good doesn't it?'

And as with any new hair & make-up endeavour, my search begins in my desk drawers, unearthing the new shades and textures that will give my look an injection of 2009-worthy attitude. The things that caught my eye include:

Bobbi Brown Skin Foundation SPF15 - a lovely water-rich formula that blends very well, leaves a dewy finish and really works wonders at covering uneven blotches. Best on just-buffed skin as it is not moisturising enough to rid you of dry patches, but works well at dispelling any rogue redness around noses.

From MAC, a bevy of exciting things: Creme Colour Base in Pearl Frost, a gold-based icy hue that really lifts & opens eyes, without making you look like the Tin Man. I wore it yesterday, slicked from lashline to top of lid, with a single coat of inky black mascara, and was asked for ID at my local Waitrose. God's. Honest. Truth.

Also from MAC, Mineralize Blush in Dainty, which is a tawny coral, almost terracotta colour, which I've learned from experience looks great worn high on cheekbones and swiped across the bridge of the nose. Easier to wear than a bright pop of pink & great for faking a flush on those who do not like using bronzer. Works well with MAC Tinted Lip Conditioner SPF15 in Petting Pink, with its glorious pink putty hue and candy scent.

Then, a bid to wear mascara more often - jammed deep into lashes and as inky black as possible - I really like Rimmel Sexy Curves with it's thin, grippy brush.

Finally, my love affair with lipstick continues with a shade that begs to be eaten. Korres Mango Butter Lipstick SPF10 in 45/Coral gives a shiny, wet look rather than that matte colour-block of paint effect that's also popular right now (try Sisley if that's the look you're hankering after), but the Korres colour is just so damn hot and the formula is foolproof.

Topped off with a headband - worn, hippie-style, over the hair, to compliment my new, choppy fringe. Don't write off ASOS for great hair accessories - and with the sale still on, I grabbed a gorgeous sailor-stripe bow band for just £2. Love it.

A tally of lovely treats that beat bog-standard New Year's resolutions any day of the week. Particularly on days when I feel nothing more than the urge to bury myself in the duvet. On those days, the whirr of the treadmill jars as acutely as a dentist's drill - but playful hair, a bright lip, shimmering eye and contoured cheek pull me out of my dystopia, shake me up and get me feeling like myself again - less defensive, less buttoned up... within or without the buttons on my APC coat.

#86 Best of 2008

Taking stock of the spare room, which is now a little sparser thanks to the annual clearout (AKA palming off products to friends & family, instead of buying gifts), has jogged the ol' memory and reminded me of the various things I have loved this year.

My most impressive find of 2008:

Illamasqua Eyelash Curlers - I've used Shu, Mister Mascara, Suqqu, Shiseido... and they were all fine (Shu Uemura was probably the best out of the latter bunch) - but these babies make my lashes shoot for the stars in just a couple of seconds and without risk of wrist injury from repetitive compressing/depressing motion. A great find.

My favourite skincare launch of 2008:

Sarah Chapman Skinesis. I've been using it almost exclusively for the past four months and my skin is very soft, has been far less spotty than normal, and really does have a most un-winter-like glow. The Ultimate Cleanser isn't in the shops yet, but it's a winner. It melts into the skin just like soft butter and leaves it springy to the touch. I'm seriously impressed.

My favourite hair products of 2008:


KMS Makeover Spray (grease? kapow!)has saved my life on more than one occasion

Kerastase Ciment Thermique for strengthening strands when they're feeling brittle

Redken Glass 01 before blow-drying, for when you want hair to look insanely shiny

And as far as failsafe hair-healing conditioners go, it's back to Aveda Damage Remedy Conditioner. A real star.

(p.s. I tried Shu Uemura Art of Hair Muroto Volume range yesterday and did not really like it. My hair was no bigger & the scent was too perfume-y. It did make my hair nice and shiny though - although a bit too static-prone. An overall thumbs down. Bah humbug, I know.)

My favourite body products of 2008:

I tried EVERYTHING this year and had short-lived love affairs with:
Yes to Carrots Body Butter (which I became less impressed with over time as it seemed to develop a knack of blocking pores on my arms and legs. Ick.)

Trilogy Everything Balm (lovely when skin is damp & hot e.g. after a sauna, as it sinks straight in and leaves you feeling like a basted chicken. In a really good way. Not so good at moisturising dry skin though.)

Then, I found my way back to Nuxe Huile Prodigieuse, and I'm very glad I did, because I'd almost forgotten how good this stuff is. And the scent - soft, powdery, chic with a hint of buttery honey - always makes me smile.

My favourite make-up of 2008:

Lipstick Queen in Medieval - makes skin look somehow brighter while never overpowering the face

Jemma Kidd new PRO line - just wait for 2009!

Ruby + Millie Lip Color in Orange 350C - the perfect pop of blood orange

Dior Addict High Shine Lipstick in 554 Backstage Pink - loved the fuchsia that Cheryl Cole kept sporting on X Factor? This is the closest I have come to finding it.

And, a surprise new entry in the long-lasting lippy category: TIGI Bedhead Lip Crayon in Perfect Pink - this stayed put through a 2-hour movie (+ popcorn & pick 'n' mix), followed by cocktails & dinner. Good stuff.

And my other big-thumbs-up beauty finds of 2008:


Origins Organics Totally Pure Deodorant (antibacterial, refreshing & zingy on freshly shorn armpits)

Marc Jacobs Splash in Gardenia (granny in a really really good way)


Dr Weil for Origins Mega Mushroom Mask (great for when skin is conjuring associations with Edward Munch's The Scream)

Dermalogica Stress Relief Candles (a smile-inducing scent even when unlit!)


NEOM Organic Luxury Unwind Skin Treatment Bath Oil (the most perfect blend of lavender and patchouli)

And there you have it. What a cracker.

#85 Big Head

There's something happening with hair. Beeeg hair. The sort of hair that looks like you've held up a candyfloss man at a fair and woven his sugar confections into your own strands. Virginia Woolf sort of hair, that billows out from beneath a hat, streaks the forehead with nimbus fingers, catches the light as though it is a cocoon of woven silk. Diana Vickers was onto it. Amy W would've ended up there were it not for her mane's metamorphosis from beehive to egghead. Duffy has it a bit, and Blake Lively does it well, though where hair is concerned, she is at a genetic advantage. Growl.

Also catching on are the haircare brands, as the next few months see a spate of big hair launches (as in big hair, not big launches for hair).

There is Shu Uemura Art of Hair's new MUROTO VOLUME range; L'Oreal Volume Expand MINERAL CA and Age Densiforce lines and the launch of L'Oreal Professionnel's Texture Expert Expansion Mousse.

So far I have only tried the Volume Expand MINERAL CA range. I've used the shampoo and conditioner, minus the volumising styling mousse. The range is for fine hair - I have relatively fine strands, but lots of them - and yes, it did make a significant difference to the fatness of my head. It uses mineral calcium to bulk and stiffen strands. However, lathering it up felt incredibly bizarre, as though my hair were being rinsed with glue - there is no silkiness of slipperiness to be expected from this shampoo. After slowly rinsing it out (and being careful not to break strands with clumsy fingers which seemed to catch on my now-tacky, almost brittle, cuticles), I layered on the conditioner, left for a couple of minutes, rinsed. I could see that where my normal haircare duo keeps the damaged flyaways along my parting nice and flat, this lot made them stand up on end as though I were the lovechild of Mister Majeka. Combing through was tricky too - hair was far far knottier than normal. But, here is the genius part. Once hair was blowdried it just went 'pouff' (in a good way)- feeling thick, pliable, swishy, soft AND it didn't get greasy for 4 whole days, which I couldn't quite believe. I wouldn't recommend it for everyday use - my hair needs intensive conditioning at least twice a week - but for those times when you need a workable, grippable base - this will be just the ticket. All in all, this is a good bet for this season's big head. Not least of all because you'll develop a dangerous habit of catching your own reflection and double-taking at just how much hair you had all along, but just weren't making the most of. Swish.

#84 What Goes Up...

Here is what has got me impressed:

Nivea SOS Lip Balm - good stuff this. More of a cream than an oily balm, it glides on, stays put for hours and provides tangible protection on blustery days. I like it a lot more than the Blistex Intensive Moisturiser, as the Nivea version does away with the mentholy sting & medicinal pong (and opts for a candy-sweet (though not cloying) scent instead).

Jemma Kidd Professional Team Collection - this lady has really got her act together and come up with a brand new line-up that puts to rights the problems with the former products. It's slicker, smarter, formulas work a lot harder, the packaging looks better and it has the well-thought-out feel of a premium line - hence it's new position in Space.NK (it will have left Boots stores by the end of Jan 09). The big hitters? The I-Perfector Prep & Brighten Duo - a double-ended pencil with a flesh toned eyeliner and concealer, both of which effectively cancels out redness and the I-Rescue Bio-Complex Cover - a skin-tinted treatment, concealer & brightener, which has that rare quality of actually buffing away shadows minus chalky crepeiness. Very nice indeed.

NEOM Organic Bath Oil: RESTORE - Two of my favourite essential oils, Jasmine & Sandalwood, are combined in this cosseting blend that has thrice pulled off a rare feat: making me smile at the end of a really, really crappy day. Two small capfuls in a big hot bath fills the room with fragrance, unknots the head, nourishes the skin and makes everything a bit more bearable. A lot to ask from a bath oil, but I'll be darned if this doesn't pull it off.

Here is what has got me depressed:

Urban Retreat The Cleanser - this formula really upsets me. It smells lovely, feels good on the skin, contains lots of thumbs-up ingredients...yet...yet...after just a few days use, I tend towards breakouts (having been clear for months) AND my skin takes on a slightly sensitized, prone-to-stinging feel (with heightened redness around the t-zone). There is definitely something in this pot that is not my face's friend. I do not like you either.

Aveda Damage Remedy Restructuring Shampoo - I LOVE this. BUT (and it's a really big but), after constant use my hair starts to take on the look and feel of the bottom of a ne'er washed chip pan. I rinse and rinse and rinse, but to no avail. It's the Jekyll & Hyde of my bathroom - sometimes producing shiny and bouncy locks; other times leaving me looking like a bedraggled extra from a street-scene in Oliver. I've taken to using it every other wash (rotating with Bumble & Bumble Blue Sundays Shampoo, which gets hair really clean). It's too good to ditch entirely though. How good? I've not had a split end in years...

#83 Just for starters...

Has anyone seen the latest Just For Men advert? Good lord. Two little girls, who the audience must assume have recently lost their mother, run up to their father and beg him to dye his hair in order that he might be able to face the world afresh and hopefully find a new partner. Father dyes his hair and gets a first date, during which he takes a picture of himself with 'prospective new wife' on the old camera phone (too keen? surely not?) which he then sends to his children, who appear to be home alone while he is out schmoozing. The giggling girls then jump up and down, giving one another high fives, overjoyed at the image of their father hugging a strange woman. Based on a true story. Hmmm.

What intrigues me most about the advert is the type of man it is supposed to appeal to. My husband, a modern (though not metrosexual) male, recoils each and every time it comes onto the TV and despite being beset by his first smattering of greys, the idea of besmirching his head with a product as out-of-touch as Just For Men (the Old Spice of the hair dye world) is far worse than a future of salt n pepper strands. I heartily agree with his logic. In fact, I'd be far less disturbed by the discovery of a hidden porn stash under the bed than I would be if I stumbled across a seedy (and heaven forbid, empty!) box of Just For Men.

As far as I can tell, the average man is far less likely to fall for inflated cosmetic claims than the average woman. The idea of precious diamond dust, amazonian plants, bio-chemical research, space-travel tests etc etc, might get women pulling out the platinum card (and sales statistics would seems to support this), but men, it seems, are not amused. They want high performance, yes, but minus hyperbole and gimmickry - and are suckers for slick, chic packaging that won't embarrass them should it fall out of the gym bag and into the middle of the men's locker room.

I canvassed a swathe of my most stylish male friends and here are the products that got their hearts-a-racing:

Shiseido Men Cleansing Foam
Clinique Pore Minimizer Oil Blotting Sheets
Lancome Men Ultimate Cleansing Gel
Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant
Clarins Men Fatigue Fighter

What do they have in common? Simple, modern design; practical application and handling; effective formulas with visible results and, of course, not a single, empty 'love or your money back' promise hinted at on the pack (or in any of the campaigns). Even if Lancome hadn't roped Clive Owen into the advertising act (and according to the aforementioned menfolk) this just for men lot would still be just the ticket.

#82 Music to make-up to...

Musico. Sometimes my alarm-clock-led life means that I can manage a week or more without listening to any music...not a note. When this happens, my mind and body begin to subconsciously crave a good song and the only antidote to my ensuing fidgety panic is an entire morning, hours on end, spent shuttling through my favourite tracks on my i-pod, filling my little flat with a pounding bass, transporting vocals and medicinal melodies. The day can be rainy, snowy, gusty or befogged, it doesn't matter... Midlake, Radiohead, Arctic Monkeys, Laura Marling and Vampire Weekend all have the power to coax me out of a stormy-weather or inner-storm-induced stupour. Music is my elixir and soul-saver, centering my head and heart once more, reminding me of what matters, how to smile, laugh and dance like Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club (I try my hardest, never quite pulled it off) and also helping me to forget that I'm old enough to know who Molly Ringwald is and how her Breakfast Club dance was literally the coolest thing I had ever seen. Like. Ever.

Then there's the way in which a good tune can verge on being alchemistic - banishing torpor, motivating me on the worst of days, instilling confidence even when I'm feeling self-conscious. Which is why I think the music you pick to make your face up to is just as important as the make-up itself. It helps to shape the face in the mirror long before you've rouged and contoured it, helps refocus the eyes, beckoning towards an inner Cyndi Lauper, Siouxsie Sioux, Blondie or Vanessa Paradis. For big nights out, my friends and I have a playlist - a set of cheeky tunes that often result in false lashes and glittery lids, other times in cherry lips and indigo liner... the tune, like a mystical snake charmer's melody, guiding the hand across the face in previously unstudied ways. I've made some regrettable mistakes and incredibly fun faux-pas over the years, all while listening to a battery of unsuitable tunes. Power ballads invariably coax out a Bonnie Tyler-esque 80s popstar; love songs a slightly too-powder-and-painted pretty girl; dance tracks an acid-trip teenager... but through trial and error I've honed a pretty perfect playlist - all the songs managing to achieve my main aim of a night out: feel good, feel like me, just a bit more adventurous, expressive, a bit braver...

The Arctic Monkeys: Fluorescent Adolescent - let your hair down, perfect a naughty smile

Muse: Supermassive Black Hole - sexy, bold and head held high

Justin Timberlake: What Goes Around - heroine (not heroin) chic with a dramatic dark eye

Anita Ward: Ring My Bell - Disco curls, ruby lips

A warm-up act to support the headliner, lipstick and lashes... and make your heart beat that little bit faster. Hey Mr DJ...